The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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