this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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