I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
