I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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