He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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