The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
