Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
