I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
