Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
