Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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