I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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