Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My penis needs a shock collar
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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