you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
