I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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