why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
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