Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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