fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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