I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
