i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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