I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
