I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
