I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
