I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
