What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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