the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
