Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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