Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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