just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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