so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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