I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
