I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
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