i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
