Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
