I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
