Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
