just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
