my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
