his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
