I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
