I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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