Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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