He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
