The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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