I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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