he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
