oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
