Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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