I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
