I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
