im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
